Online Guitar Lessons Guitarist finishes gig and is the last one in the place with the barman, who asks if he'd like a scotch before he goes home. The player says 'sure' and the barman plonks down a big glass of the juice and a little bowl of peanuts to go with it, then wanders off to wipe down the counter. This leaves the gun guitarist all by himself for a minute. From nowhere a little voice says 'great gig man, you're one hot picker'. The player looks at the barman and says 'thanks' and the barman says 'what for' and the player says 'for sayin' nice things about my work'. the barman says ' I didn't say nothing'. The guitarist thinks it's late and he's a bit spaced so he'd better head off when another little voice says 'yeah great licks man and nice moves too, you sure cut it up there'. The guitar player turns around and says 'thanks' but there's nobody there. The feller at the bar says 'are you ok?' cause the picker looks a bit pale and the guitarist says 'yeah, I think so'. Then, as he empties his glass another voice says 'hot licks, great look, wonderful style man, the chicks sure got off on you' and the bloke says 'OK! THAT'S IT! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?' The barman runs down and says 'what's your problem dude?' to which the guitarist says 'WHERE ARE THOSE VOICES COMING FROM? IS THIS CANDID CAMERA?' 'What voices? What are they saying?' when the guitarist tells the barman what was going on and what was said, the barman says 'oh that'll be the peanuts man, they're complementary!' FIFTY YEARS IN THE FUTURE: A guitarist dies and is quite please to find that he ends up standing before the pearly gates of Guitar Heaven. St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour. "This is Stevie Ray's room here..." says Peter, and the guitarist is saying "Wow! Stevie Ray!" "And this is Jimi's room..." and the guitarist is totally over the moon. Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, "I have to ask. Is Yngwie here?" Peter shakes his head sadly and says "I'm afraid he went... the "other" way..." The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He is woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing a really fast harmonic minor lick - and it sounds just like Yngwie. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room is playing really fast neo-classical shreds through what sounds very much like a vintage Strat. The guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Yngwie. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Yngwie's in the next room. Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, "Shhh.... don't tell anyone. That's God. He thinks he's Yngwie Malmsteen" Q - What do a cup of coffee and Eric Clapton have in common? A - They both suck without Cream Q - What's the difference between a guitarist and a mutual fund? A - One matures. Q - What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend? A - Homeless. Q - Why did the drummer join the band? A - He wanted to hang out with musicians. Q - How does a guitar player change a light bulb? A - He lies on the bed so that the room is spinning around it. Q - How does a guitar player show up for practice? A - Drunk and late......... as usual Q - How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune ? A - Evidently all of them. Q - How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer? A - Give him music to read. Q - What's the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish? A - You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish. Q - What is the definition of a minor second? A - Two lead guitarists playing in unision. Q - How do you make a lead guitarist slow down? A - Put some sheet music in front of him. Q - How do you make a guitarist play quieter? A - Put a sheet of music in front of him. Q - How do you make him stop? A - Put notes on it. Q - How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb? A - Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say "Not bad, but I could've done better." Q - What do you throw a drowning guitarist ? A - His amplifier. Q - What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? A - Counterpoint. Q - What did the guitar say to the guitarist? A - Pick on someone your own size! Q - How do you make a guitarist's eyes light up? A - Shine a flashlight in his ear. Q - What's the range of a Gibson Les Paul? A - Depends on how far you throw it. Q - Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners? A - So the rest of the band can understand them. Q - What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage? A - The garbage gets taken out at least once a week. Q - What's black and blue and laying in a ditch? A - A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes. Q - How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? A - At least 2000: one to change the bulb and 1999 to insist how much better they could've done it. What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ? Who cares - neither one's a guitar Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ? So the rest of the band can understand them How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ? Pay for the pizza. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ? None...they just steal somebody else's light What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ? "Will the defendant please rise ..." What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer. What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? Drool. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They have machines to do that now. "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?" "Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer." In the 22nd century..how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source ?? Five..one to actually do it ... and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were. Why bury guitar players 6 feet under? Because deep down they're all very nice people.. Whats the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?? You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish .. How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb? "One, two, three; one, two, three." BASS HUMOR In that eternal "Stupid Musicians Department": Late one day a local pub saw six guys walk in, obviously in pairs of two, sit down and order their favorite after-work drinks. The first two to seat themselves and be served by the bartender were two guys working at a major university whose I.Q.s were so high they could hardly be measured! They began discussing from Quantum Mechanics to the fine points of Particle Physics, either one as brilliantly as the other. The bartender then went over to the next pair who were "regular guys" with ordinary jobs, with average I.Q.s, schmoozing about how hard it was today to keep up with bill payments, how high taxes were, how corrupt politicians were and all the day-to-day struggles most everyone has. The last two the bartender served were two very badly educated, ill-mannered dolts with very low I.Q.s that could barely be measured on any I.Q. test. As soon as they'd ordered the bartender overheard one say to the other, "Oh, hey, I meant to ask ya, d'you use flatwound or roundwound on your bass?" HAH! When I first heard that one I was with a group of people, all "musicians", among which there WAS a bassist! (He was the only one of all 5 who started to laugh, quickly came to a stop, grumbled and didn't know if he'd been personally insulted by this "Dumb Musicians" joke! (I wish I remembered them all--or even half of the ones I've heard and read!) More guitar jokes... What's worse than telling jokes about guitarists? Laughing at 'em. What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on? He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it. What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common. Both suck when you plug them in. How do you know when the stage is level? The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth. How does a Lead Guitarist change a lightbulb? He holds it and the world revolves around him. What's the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO? You can negotiate with the PLO. Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune? Neither have I. 2 guys were walking down the street. One was destitute. The other was a guitarist as well. How do you make a guitarist's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in his ear. Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners? So the rest of the band can understand them. What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage? The garbage gets taken out at least once a week. Now here's a few Bass jokes, to even the score... How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice One, but the guitarist has to show him first Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light One. Five. One. Five. from PGerlach@aol.com A guitar player comes to the doctor and complains about a serious deterioriation of his memory. He especially has a hard time remembering correct changes and is afraid to lose all his gigs. Since the doctor can't find the cause, he asks the guitarist to leave behind his brain for a week in his lab for more detailed examinations. After seven days the guitar player fails to show up, and even after 2 more weeks there's no sign of him. Finally the doctor runs into him on the street, grabs him and asks: "Excuse me, but your brain is still waiting for you to stop by and pick it up, so why don't you show up?" The guitarist says, "Well, I think you can keep it; I finally switched to bass..." A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?" "Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string." One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!" A tour manager comes across the guitarist and bass player fighting at the side of the stage and pulls them apart asking what the problem was. "That bastard detuned one of the strings on my bass", says the bass player, "And we're on stage in five minutes." "So what's the problem?", asks the tour manager. "He won't tell me which string it was he detuned", said the Bassist. And More Guitar Jokes... What's the difference between Rock music and a machine gun? The machine gun only repeats 10 times per second. Why did the chicken cross the road ? To escape the Heavy Metal Music. Why Guitars are better than Men: Guitars don't snore. Guitars never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason. Guitars never try to show you off to their friends. Guitars don't come home drunk after a night out with the other Guitars. You don't have to praise a Guitar after playing it. Guitars don't have to prove anything. Guitars don't try to change you once you've bought them. Second-hand Guitars don't go to see previous owners when you're out of town. Guitars don't have egos. You don't have to continually assure your Guitar that its string length is just right. Your Guitar will never earn more than you do for the same job just because it's a Guitar. Your Guitar never spends a "night out with the Guitars" and comes home with a strange rash on its fretboard. continued... Why guitars are better than women: You can share your Guitar with your friends. Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars. Guitars don't care if you buy Guitar magazines. Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it. Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat. Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it. Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player. Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars. You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother. Here are some cool reasons why guitars are better than women. Just so I'm not sexest I also put why guitars are better than men for the ladies. Why Guitars are better than Men Part 2 Guitars don't work late. Your Guitar stays as clean as you want it to. Guitars don't have parents or kids. Guitars don't get sick. Guitars don't get overweight, unless you like the Jumbo style. If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it again. Your Guitar always has time for you. Guitars don't watch TV. Guitars never need a shave, nor do they have hair on their backs. Guitars don't snore. Guitars don't leave a mess in the kitchen or bathroom. If you don't like the length of your Guitar's appendage you can get a new one. You can try out as many Guitars as you like before you get your own. You don't have to feed your Guitar. Guitars never argue, you are always right. Guitars never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason. Guitars never try to show you off to their friends. Guitars don't come home drunk after a night out with the other Guitars. Guitars don't sneak around with other Guitars. Guitars don't care what you look like or what your age is. Guitars don't care and don't comment about what you spend your money on. Guitars don't care if you have to work late. When you're playing, your Guitar doesn't care if other Guitars are bigger or better. Guitars don't care about their performance. Guitars don't get you pregnant. Guitars don't have mothers. When you've finished playing, you can put it away. You don't have to praise a Guitar after playing it. Guitars don't sulk. Guitars don't bore you. Guitars don't abandon you at gatherings for more interesting players. Guitars don't have to prove anything. Guitars don't try to change you once you've bought them. Guitars don't get jealous of your male colleagues. Guitars never interrogate you. Second-hand Guitars don't brag about previous owners. Second-hand Guitars don't go to see previous owners when you're out of town. You don't have to explain to a Guitar if you don't feel like playing tonight. Guitars never put you down, yet you can put them down whenever you wish. Guitars don't complain if you wear "sensible" clothes. Guitars don't have egos. Guitars don't need remote control units. When you're lost you don't have to argue with your Guitar about stopping to ask the band for directions. When your Guitar is being played too slow, you can speed up. When you need someone to play with, your Guitar is happy to accommodate. You buy the tools your Guitar needs; it doesn't buy tools that never get used. You don't have to continually assure your Guitar that its string length is just right. You determine the length and frequency of playing, and you're always in control. Your Guitar never finishes before you do. Your Guitar doesn't complain about your going out to dinner with your women friends rather than staying at home with it. You never get helpful suggestions from your Guitar's mother. Your Guitars will allow you to play it even on Super Bowl Sunday. Your Guitar never complains if you put on a few pounds. When your Guitar is dysfunctional you know how to get it fixed (and know that it can be fixed). Your Guitar will never earn more than you do for the same job just because it's a Guitar. Your Guitar never spends a "night out with the Guitars" and comes home with a strange rash on its fretboard. Why guitars are better than women: Guitars don't get pregnant. You can play your Guitar any time of the month. Guitars don't have parents. Guitars don't whine... unless you want them to. You can share your Guitar with your friends. Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you have. Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars. Guitars don't care if you buy Guitar magazines. You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to proud father of a new Guitar" unless you go out to buy one yourself. If your Guitar is flat you can fix it. Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it. Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Guitar. If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it again. You can play your Guitar as long as you want and it won't get sore. You can stop playing your Guitar as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated. Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it. Guitars don't get headaches. Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player. Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars. Guitars don't care if you're late. You don't have to take a shower before you play your Guitar. If your Guitar doesn't look good you can refinish it or get new parts. You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother. The only protection you have to wear when playing your Guitar is a decent thumb pick. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great time you had the last time you played your Guitar. But wait... there's more! WARNING: You may find these a little more crude & *tasteless* Why Guitars are better than women: A guitar has a volume knob. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to. You can unplug a guitar. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested. You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can retune it. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to your liking. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free. It's good to have a guitar that's stretched out. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed. You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you. You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective covering. You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke. A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it. You can play a guitar all month long A guitar doesn't care how many guitars you own. Why women are better than guitars... Women are more fun when the power goes out. You can't get your guitar wet. The input to a guitar is only 1/4" (ouch!) A guitar won't beg to be played. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue. A guitar won't play you back. You need two hands to make a guitar scream. A guitar won't scratch your back. A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk. A guitar doesn't care who plays it. You can't play two guitars at once. It's a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings. Guitar lessons aren't free and aren't as much fun. If you really do want little guitars, you have to buy them. You can't marry a rich guitar. Even a good guitar won't usually last a whole lifetime. Guitars don't taste very good A fairly young, fairly attractive couple go to see a doctor and say they're having trouble making love. 'Could you watch us and correct any mistakes we might be making?' asks the guy. The doc thinks it a bit unusual but says 'OK' He watches for a while, offers a couple of suggestions and when they finish says 'well things look pretty good to me, you don't seem to have any problems'. To which the couple respond with 'things don't feel exactly right, do you mind if we come back next week for a little more guidance'. The doctor agrees and the couple return the following week. Once again they repeat the performance, get a tiny bit of help and leave quite satisfied. On the third visit the following week the doctor says 'look I really don't see any problem here, in fact I wish my love making was as good, why do you keep coming back?' The young man says 'well to tell you the truth, I'm a guitarist in a rock band, live in a smelly old squat and don't make much money. she's married to this other guy who works from home so we can't go there. I can't afford to take her to a motel. this place is warm and friendly, we get free coffee and magazines while we wait and I get all the costs back from Medicare. David dies and goes to heaven. St Peter says ' how did things go for you back on earth?' David says, 'not too bad. I left a wife, 3 kids, a pretty good bank balance, no mortgage and my wife will get another 100,000 from the insurance.' 'Great', says St Peter, 'what was it you did while you were alive?' ' Oh I was in Real estate.' 'Good oh, come on in' says the St. Bruce follows David up to the pearly gates and gets the same sort of welcome and questions. 'yes well I left a wife and two kids, a little house in the suburbs, a few dollars in the bank, car's paid for and they should be OK with things. Good oh , come on in. Billy was next in line and gets the questions from the old guy. 'yes well I left my 4th wife, most of my gears in the Cash Converters, cars rooted, never did quite make it to where I really thought I should have been.' 'Oh well', says St P. 'and which band was it that you played with?' How do you fit 100 drummers in a phone booth? Throw in a food stamp How do you get em out? Throw in a bar of soap Why are bass players steering wheels so small? so they can drive with handcuffs on Why do flys have wings? to beat the drummers to the trash can. What do a conductor and a sperm have in common? only one out of a million work. There's a deer and a conductor lying dead in the road, whats the difference? there is skid marks in front ofthe deer. A drummer and a bass player both fall off a building, who hits the ground first? who cares. Why don't bass players play hide and seek? because no one will look for them. Why do guitarist make great astronauts? because all they take up is space in school. Who won the drummer beauty contest? nobody. What do you get when you cross a drummer and an ape? a retarted ape. What are the three most difficult years in a bass players life? second grade. Why are scientists breeding guitarist instead of rats for science expirements? because they breed faster and you don't get as attatched to them. How do you give a drummer a concusion? smash his head with the toilet seat while he's drinking. What do you say to a guitarist in a three- piece suit? will the defendent please rise. What do you call a bass playing sky diving? instant air pollution. What do you call a conductor without a lawnmower? unemployed. What do you call a building full of guitarist? jail. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many drummers does it take to roof a house? A: Depends on how thin you slice them. Q: What do you have when a keyboard player is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: When guitarist die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys! Q: How do you get a drummer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: How do you stop a guitar player from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water. Q: What is the definition "lucky break?" A: When a busload of bass players goes off a cliff. Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat. Q: Have you heard about the conductors word processor? A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print. Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a drummer? A: One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish. Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of bass players? A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. Q: What does a guitar player and a sperm have in common? A: Both have about a 1-in-3 million chance of becoming a human being. Q: Where can you find a good drummer? A: In the cemetery Q: What do bass players use as contraceptives? A: Their personalities. Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. Q: Why did the post office recall the new guitar player stamps? A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on. Q: What is the ideal weight of a drummer? A: About three pounds, including the urn. Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead guitar player in the middle of the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk. Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a song writer? A: A Doberman. Q: What do you call 20 bass players skydiving from an airplane? A: Skeet. Q: If you see a guitar player on a bicycle, why would you swerve to avoid hitting him? A: It might be your bicycle. Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a talented drummer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures. Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a guitar player You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? A: You shoot the guitar player. Twice. Q: Do you know what happens when a bass player takes Viagra? A: He gets taller. Q: What do you call a handcuffed bass player? A: - Trustworthy. Q: What does it mean when a drummer is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Q: Why do only 10% of guitar players make it to heaven? A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell. Q: Why do drummers like smart women? A: Opposites attract. Q: How are lead singers like lawn mowers? A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. Q: How can you tell when a drummer is well hung? A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. Q: How do guitar players define a "50/50" relationship? A: We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. Q: How do bass players exercise on the beach? A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. Q: How do you get a drummer to stop biting his nails? A: Make him wear shoes. Q: How does a guitar player show he's planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Q: How is Colonel Sanders like the typical keyboard player? A: All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs. Q: What do you do with a lead singer who thinks he's God's gift to women? A: Exchange him. Q: What should you give a keyboard player who has everything? A: A bass player to show him how to work it. Q: What's a guitar players idea of honesty in a relationship? A: Telling you his real name. Q: What's the best way to force a drummer to do sit ups? A: Put the remote control between his toes. Q: What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent drummer? A: Big Foot's been spotted several times. Q: What's the smartest thing a guitar player can say? A: "My wife says..." Q: Why do drummers play sports on artificial turf? A: To keep them from grazing. Q: Why do lead singers need instant replay on TV sports? A: Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened. Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for drummers than for other musicians? A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. Q: Did you hear about the bass player from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body? A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ~THE BOOK OF JOBBING~ And so it came to pass, during one date, that the Sidemen were assailed by Doubts, and Darkness descended upon the Bandstand. And the Leader turned to his quaking flock, and saith, "My children, why do you doubt me? Have I not led you through the Valley of the Loading Dock to the Promised Land of Long Breaks, Hot Meals, and Undertime? Have I not banished the dreaded Macarena from the Set List, and allowed thee to Solo on selected numbers? Do we not play the Correct Changes for the Bridge of Girl From Ipanema, and do we not play Motown selections at the Proper Tempi? And do I not pay you all equitably, neither overpaying the Chick Singers nor underpaying the Horn Players? And are there not Charts for the Horns, so that thou need not Fake Parts? So why doth thou protest when I call The Slim Dusty Song, or The Peter Allen Ballad? Are they not preferable to Achey Breaky Heart or anything by Celine Dion? Wouldst thou rather suffer Flung Beverage Containers or Scowls and Hectoring by the Aunts and Uncles? And the Sidemen answered him, "But Father, we look out into the Dance Floor, and we see The Maelstrom; We fear the Youngsters with Pierced Body Parts, as well as the Ancient Ones with Canes and Walking Frames; Also do we fear the Bridesmaids with the Large Hair, and the Groomsmen with Cigars and Dishevelled Tuxedos; Also do we fear the Relatives from the Far North, as well as those from Western Australia, and from Melbourne; Also do we regard with Fear and Loathing the Function Organiser, and the Master Of Ceremonies; But mostly do we fear the Bride, and Her Mother, who ruleth the Earth, yea, even above you, our Leader." And the Leader looked and saw that this was true. And he took his Book, and he flung it into the Buffet Heaters; And he took his Bandstand, and he broke it over his knee; And he took his Red Bow Tie, and he rent it asunder; And he turned to the Function organiser, and he said, "Now you have no power over me, Minion of Evil." And he turned to the Master Of Ceremonies, and he said, "I will leave by the Front Entrance"; And he turned to the Bride, and said, "Take thy Whitney Houston CD and place it where thy Groom may find it during your Honeymoon;" And he turned to the Bride's Mother and said, "Thy Daughter is a Spoiled Brat, and I hope that she soon Divorces her Callow Husband and returneth to live with thee with her three children for the rest of thy Natural Life" And he turned to the drummer and said, "The band is yours." And he went home and slept deeply and soundly, and arose the next day smiling, and began Making Calls to find work as a Sideman. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ~ Chick Singer Offences ~ Singer's name __________________________________ Real name _______________________________ Date of offense(s) _____ /_____ / _______ Preparation / Equipment Offenses: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Doesn't know how to adjust mic stand-$15 Can't figure out how to connect cable to mic-$15 Takes up over an hour getting EQ setting on monitors-$50 Still gripes about EQ setting on monitors-$75 Lays mic down on stage and walks off stage-$15 Lays mic down facing kick drum-$20 Lays mic down facing guitar amp-$25 Lays mic down facing monitor-$50 Points mic toward monitor-causing feedback during song-$75 Straight arms mic when singing-$15 Drops mic-$10 Leaves lipstick all over mic-$100 Doesn't have set list-$10 Doesn't have keys on set list-$15 Doesn't have original songs charted-$20 Singing Offenses ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Doesn't know key to songs-$10 Doesn't know when to come in-$15 Modulates without informing band-$20 Continues singing in old key after song modulates-$30 Forgets original singer of song-$10 Dances great but sings off key and out of time-$30 Gets off key singing acapella-$200 Stands onstage but doesn't sing harmonies-$30 Sings bad harmonies-$35 Sings harmonies already contributed by band member in song-$40 Stops song halfway through and starts over-$25 Forgets to sing bridge-$20 Forgets words-$20 Sings verses out of order in song-$15 Makes up 4th verse to 3 verse song-$100 Holds words to song while singing onstage-$20 Looks at pager while singing song-$10 Sings consistently flat-$25 Sings consistently sharp-$25 Sings too softly-$5 Just plain ol' CANNOT SING, but buys band a round of drinks - No Charge Sings "Stand By Your Man" in the key of A-$30 Wants to sing "Crazy" by Patsy Cline more than once a night-$100 Thinks that "Poor Pitiful Me" is a new Terri Clark song rather than old Warren Zevon song-$50 Thinks that "I Will Always Love You" is a new Whitney Houston song instead of an old Dolly Parton song-$100 "Dolly who?"-$50 "Patsy who?"-$10 Stage Presence Offenses: Leaves stage when not singing lead vocal-$20 Holds guitar, but doesn't play-$15 Plays guitar but plays wrong chords, not plugged in-$25 Plays guitar, wrong chords, plugged in-$250 Plays tambourine-$10 Plays tambourine out of time-$50 Leaves tambourine, drink, charts, entertainer's secrets laying all over stage-$25 Plays harmonica solo during song-$100 Tells jokes over mic-$5 Tells bad jokes over mic-$50 Tells bad joke and then laughing hysterically about it over mic-$500 Leaves stage to argue with boyfriend-$35 Argues with band members onstage-$150 Argues offstage with boyfriend musician-$175 Argues onstage with boyfriend musician-$200 Gripes at band onstage-$20 Gripes at band onstage over mic-$75 Walks off stage to use cell phone on gig-$15 Uses cell phone on stage during gig-$30 Powders nose, sprays perfume, sprays hairspray, freshens up lipstick on stage-$15 Thousand dollar outfit, ten dollars worth of singing lessons-$60 Other Miscellaneous Offenses: Late for gig-$30 Dates a musician in the band-$50 Dates the drummer-$150 Sets foot on a Karaoke stage-$20 Sings on a Karaoke stage-$50 Uses fictitious last name-$50 Falls for so-called producer she meets on gig, "Hey baby, I'll make you a STAR"-$20 Dumps management, band, etc. after making the big time-$10,000 Hates the phrase "chick singer"-$500 How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice One, but the guitarist has to show him first Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light One. Five. One. Five A guitar player comes to the doctor and complains about a serious deterioriation of his memory. He especially has a hard time remembering correct changes and is afraid to lose all his gigs. Since the doctor can't find the cause, he asks the guitarist to leave behind his brain for a week in his lab for more detailed examinations. After seven days the guitar player fails to show up, and even after 2 more weeks there's no sign of him. Finally the doctor runs into him on the street, grabs him and asks: "Excuse me, but your brain is still waiting for you to stop by and pick it up, so why don't you show up?" The guitarist says, "Well, I think you can keep it; I finally switched to bass..." A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?" "Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string." One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!" A tour manager comes across the guitarist and bass player fighting at the side of the stage and pulls them apart asking what the problem was. "That bastard detuned one of the strings on my bass", says the bass player, "And we're on stage in five minutes." "So what's the problem?", asks the tour manager. "He won't tell me which string it was he detuned", said the Bassist. What's the difference between Rock music and a machine gun? The machine gun only repeats 10 times per second. Why did the chicken cross the road ? To escape the Heavy Metal Music. ~Top Ten Items On The Country Music Singer Application~ 10. Provide names and phone numbers of three lovers who done you wrong 9. Ever nailed a Judd? 8. Would you be willing to wear jeans so tight they cut off circulation to your ass? 7. Spell "dagnabbit" 6. Which name best describes your sexual orientation: "George Straight" or "Dixie Chicks"? 5. Complete the following sentence -- "Hee ______!" 4. Describe size and location of dents on your pickup truck 3. If you could meet anybody in the world, living or dead -- which Statler Brother would it be? 2. Name six radio-friendly words that rhyme with "truck" 1. Chaw? ~Why Guitars are better than Men: ~ Guitars don't snore. Guitars never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason. Guitars never try to show you off to their friends. Guitars don't come home drunk after a night out with the other Guitars. You don't have to praise a Guitar after playing it. Guitars don't have to prove anything. Guitars don't try to change you once you've bought them. Second-hand Guitars don't go to see previous owners when you're out of town. Guitars don't have egos. You don't have to continually assure your Guitar that its string length is just right. Your Guitar will never earn more than you do for the same job just because it's a Guitar. Your Guitar never spends a "night out with the Guitars" and comes home with a strange rash on its fretboard. ~Why guitars are better than women:) You can share your Guitar with your friends. Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars. Guitars don't care if you buy Guitar magazines. Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it. Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat. Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it. Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player. Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars. You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother. What's worse than telling jokes about guitarists? Laughing at 'em. What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on? He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it. What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common. Both suck when you plug them in. How do you know when the stage is level? The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth. What's the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO? You can negotiate with the PLO. Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune? Neither have I. How do you make a guitarist's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in his ear. Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners? So the rest of the band can understand them. What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage? The garbage gets taken out at least once a week. Largest selection of musicians jokes online! Electric guitars, Acoustic guitar and Fender guitars Gibson products piano,keyboards,guitars,drums,bass,stringed instruments Guitarist finishes gig and is the last one in the place with the barman, who asks if he'd like a scotch before he goes home. The player says 'sure' and the barman plonks down a big glass of the juice and a little bowl of peanuts to go with it, then wanders off to wipe down the counter. This leaves the gun guitarist all by himself for a minute. From nowhere a little voice says 'great gig man, you're one hot picker'. The player looks at the barman and says 'thanks' and the barman says 'what for' and the player says 'for sayin' nice things about my work'. the barman says ' I didn't say nothing'. The guitarist thinks it's late and he's a bit spaced so he'd better head off when another little voice says 'yeah great licks man and nice moves too, you sure cut it up there'. The guitar player turns around and says 'thanks' but there's nobody there. The feller at the bar says 'are you ok?' cause the picker looks a bit pale and the guitarist says 'yeah, I think so'. Then, as he empties his glass another voice says 'hot licks, great look, wonderful style man, the chicks sure got off on you' and the bloke says 'OK! THAT'S IT! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?' The barman runs down and says 'what's your problem dude?' to which the guitarist says 'WHERE ARE THOSE VOICES COMING FROM? IS THIS CANDID CAMERA?' 'What voices? What are they saying?' when the guitarist tells the barman what was going on and what was said, the barman says 'oh that'll be the peanuts man, they're complementary!' FIFTY YEARS IN THE FUTURE: A guitarist dies and is quite please to find that he ends up standing before the pearly gates of Guitar Heaven. St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour. "This is Stevie Ray's room here..." says Peter, and the guitarist is saying "Wow! Stevie Ray!" "And this is Jimi's room..." and the guitarist is totally over the moon. Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, "I have to ask. Is Yngwie here?" Peter shakes his head sadly and says "I'm afraid he went... the "other" way..." The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He is woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing a really fast harmonic minor lick - and it sounds just like Yngwie. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room is playing really fast neo-classical shreds through what sounds very much like a vintage Strat. The guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Yngwie. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Yngwie's in the next room. Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, "Shhh.... don't tell anyone. That's God. He thinks he's Yngwie Malmsteen" Q - What do a cup of coffee and Eric Clapton have in common? A - They both suck without Cream Q - What's the difference between a guitarist and a mutual fund? A - One matures. Q - What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend? A - Homeless. Q - Why did the drummer join the band? A - He wanted to hang out with musicians. Q - How does a guitar player change a light bulb? A - He lies on the bed so that the room is spinning around it. Q - How does a guitar player show up for practice? A - Drunk and late......... as usual Q - How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune ? A - Evidently all of them. Q - How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer? A - Give him music to read. Q - What's the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish? A - You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish. Q - What is the definition of a minor second? A - Two lead guitarists playing in unision. Q - How do you make a lead guitarist slow down? A - Put some sheet music in front of him. Q - How do you make a guitarist play quieter? A - Put a sheet of music in front of him. Q - How do you make him stop? A - Put notes on it. Q - How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb? A - Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say "Not bad, but I could've done better." Q - What do you throw a drowning guitarist ? A - His amplifier. Q - What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? A - Counterpoint. Q - What did the guitar say to the guitarist? A - Pick on someone your own size! Q - How do you make a guitarist's eyes light up? A - Shine a flashlight in his ear. Q - What's the range of a Gibson Les Paul? A - Depends on how far you throw it. Q - Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners? A - So the rest of the band can understand them. Q - What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage? A - The garbage gets taken out at least once a week. Q - What's black and blue and laying in a ditch? A - A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes. Q - How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? A - At least 2000: one to change the bulb and 1999 to insist how much better they could've done it. What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ? Who cares - neither one's a guitar Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ? So the rest of the band can understand them How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ? Pay for the pizza. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ? None...they just steal somebody else's light What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ? "Will the defendant please rise ..." What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer. What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? Drool. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They have machines to do that now. "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?" "Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer." In the 22nd century..how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source ?? Five..one to actually do it ... and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were. Why bury guitar players 6 feet under? Because deep down they're all very nice people.. Whats the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?? You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish .. How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb? "One, two, three; one, two, three." BASS HUMOR In that eternal "Stupid Musicians Department": Late one day a local pub saw six guys walk in, obviously in pairs of two, sit down and order their favorite after-work dr For more information about electric guitars please click on the link title below: If you need more information about musicians buy online you will find a very informative website at Musicians Helper LLC. electric guitars | musicians buy online | free guitar lessons | musicians online | gifts for musicians | electric guitar | music products | vintage guitars | musicians classifieds | recording equipment | | music online | | This Page is created by Musicians Helper LLC Email: MusiciansHelper@msn.com Web: http://MusiciansHelper.org	Heard a Good One Lately? Send it in to be posted. Metallica One Piano Contact Us Here! ~New Musicians Contract~ Dear Client: Thank you for engaging _________________(insert ensemble's name here). Because we know better than you, please, don't tell us what to do, play, wear, or bring. Please, just simply pay us what we ask, and please forgo all the tedious nickel-and-diming you always try to get away with. (You know who you are!) We want four (4) COMFORTABLE chairs; not folding metal chairs, not splintery ones, and not those cane chairs where the seat is about to fall through. Preferably padded. No, MUST be padded. We will not play outside, so don't ask. We want to be fed. Fed well. The same food your 200 guests eat. What's four more meals, really? We will not eat sandwiches. Especially not sandwiches on white bread. And we want to eat at a table. Is that too much to ask? We are not "the help" so please do not treat us that poorly! Before the engagement, please do not call us. Once we have been hired, that's it...you don't need to talk to us for any other reason. Please do not call other bands trying to compare prices. We all cost the same. Incidentally, we all wear the same clothes, play the samearrangements, and hire the same people, so it really makes no difference. Do not make requests for music we don't have. It's just way too much of a pain to cater to your tiny needs. Find a new favorite song. No Andrew Lloyd Webber! Period!! No song will be transposed down a half-step so your cousin Jeannie can sing it during your candle lighting ceremony. She's not a very good singer anyway. Forget about The Bride Cuts the Cake, The Hokey Pokey, Alley Cat, The Chicken Dance, etc. These are juvenile songs, we are artists, and we will not degrade ourselves. Furthermore, there is no reason for you to act stupid in front of us. The garter and bouquet are OK, but do not allow children under 18 years of age to participate (or 12 years old in Arkansas, Alabama and Mississippi). Do not allow young children to make requests. The wretched little imps are not as cute as you think they are, and nobody else wants to hear their crummy tunes anyhow. And finally the answer is no! You can't keep the demo tape. They aren't cheap, you know! Thank you for using us, and DO call again! A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit! The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snakes body for a few minutes, he asserted, Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, you've got a forked tongue, and you have no ears. Hmmmmmm, I think you're a record producer! A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance." Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter. The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations." St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!" The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children." "Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?" The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime." "Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?" A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know." A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!" The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!" The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a musician." The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!" Did you hear that Mr. Solfege had a dog? His name was feedo. What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord? A demented chord. How many producers does it take to change a light bulb? ...hmm...I don't know...what do you think? A first violinist, a second violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass player are at the four corners of a football field. At the signal, someone drops a 100 dollar bill in the middle of the field and they run to grab it. Who gets it? The second violinist, because: 1.No first violinist is going anywhere for only 100 dollars. 2.There's no such thing as a virtuoso violist. 3.The bass player hasn't figured out what it's all about. Why did the Philharmonic disband? Excessive sax and violins. Borodin nothing to do!! Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet. Definitions: string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers. detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed. glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs. subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist. risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do. senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back. preparatory beat: a threat made to singers, i.e., sing, or else.... crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly. conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time. clef: something to jump from before the viola solo. transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos. vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch. half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument. coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it. chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds. bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two. ad libitum: a premiere. beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin. cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't. diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes. lamentoso: with handkerchiefs. virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one) music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience. oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good. tenor: two hours before a nooner. diminished fifth: an empty bottle of Jack Daniels. perfect fifth: a full bottle of Jack Daniels. ritard: there's one in every family. relative major: an uncle in the Marine Corps. relative minor: a girlfriend. big band: when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players. pianissimo: "refill this beer bottle". repeat: what you do until they just expel you. treble: women ain't nothin' but. bass: the things you run around in softball. portamento: a foreign country you've always wanted to see. conductor: the man who punches your ticket to Birmingham. arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?" tempo: good choice for a used car. A 440: the highway that runs around Nashville. transpositions: 1.men who wear dresses. 2.An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece cut time: 1.parole. 2.when everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are. order of sharps: what a wimp gets at the bar. passing tone: frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues. middle C: the only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low. perfect pitch: the smooth coating on a freshly paved road. tuba: a compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!" cadenza: 1.that ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes. 2.The heroine in Monteverdi's opera Frottola whole note: what's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year. clef: what you try never to fall off of. bass clef: where you wind up if you do fall off. altos: not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes". minor third: your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling. melodic minor: loretta Lynn's singing dad. 12-tone scale: the thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with. quarter tone: what most standard pickups can haul. sonata: what you get from a bad cold or hay fever. clarinet: name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo. cello: the proper way to answer the phone. bassoon: 1.typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when. 2.a bedpost with a bad case of gas. french horn: your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m. cymbal: what they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with. bossa nova: the car your foreman drives. time signature: what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in. first inversion: grandpa's battle group at Normandy. staccato: how you did all the ceilings in your mobile home. major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!" aeolian mode: how you like Mama's cherry pie. bach chorale: the place behind the barn where you keep the horses. plague: a collective noun, as in "a plague of conductors." audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind. accidentals: wronng notes. augmented fifth: a 36-ounce bottle. broken consort: when someone in the ensemble has to leave to go to the bathroom. cantus firmus: the part you get when you can play only four notes. chansons de geste: dirty songs. clausula: Mrs. Santa Claus. ducita: a lot of mallards. estampie: what they put on letters in Quebec. hocket: the thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett. interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds: 1.Major interval: a long time. 2.Minor interval: a few bars. 3.Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again. intonation: singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages. isorhythmic motet: when half of the ensemble got a different edition from the other half. minnesinger: a boy soprano. musica ficta: when you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again. trotto: an early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge. di lasso: popular with Italian cowboys. supertonic: Schweppes. metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf. allegro: leg fertilizer. transsectional: an alto who moves to the soprano section. Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block." Once there was a violinist who got a gig to play a recital at a mental institution. He played the recital brilliantly, and backstage after the concert, he got a visit from one of the institutionalized patients. "Oh, the concert you played was just lovely. The Paganini caprice was stunning, the counterpoint in the Bach came out so clearly, and the phrasing in your Debussy was just exquisite!", said the patient. "Why, thank you," said the musician (thinking this person seemed pretty normal for a institutionalized person). "Are you by chance a musician?" "Oh yes, I was concertmaster of an orchestra for many years, I've played all of the major concertos: Tchaikowsky, Brahms, Mozart, all the major ones." said the patient. "Wow, that's impressive," said the violinist. "Did you do recitals as well?" "Oh yes, I've done all the major sonatas, Bach, Kreisler, Vieuxtemps, all of the major ones," said the patient. "Wow! Did you ever do chamber music?" asked the violinist. "Oh yes. Duets, trios, quintets, sextets, all the major repertoire," said the patient. Puzzled, the violinist asked "Did you ever play string quartets?" All of the suddenly the patient went berserk and shouted "String quartets!... String quartets!... String quartets!... " Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 under the baton of Milton Katims. Now at this point, you must understand two things: 1.There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page. 2.There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians. It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on thier stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. When they got there, a European nobleman recognized that they were musicians, and bought them several rounds of drinks. Two of the bassists passed out, and the rest of the section, not to mention the nobleman, were rather drunk. Finally, one of them looked at his watch and exclaimed, "Look at the time! We'll be late!" The remaining bassists tried in vain to wake up their section mates, but finally those who were still conscious had to give up and run across the street to the Opera House. While they were on their way in, the bassist who suggested this excursion in the first place said, "I think we'll still have enough time--I anticipated that something like this could happen, so I tied a string around the last pages of the score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other." Sure enough, when they got back to the stage they hadn't missed their entrance, but one look at their conductor's face told them they were still in serious trouble. Katims was furious! After all... It was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, the score was tied, there were two men out, and the Count was full. The following program notes are from an unidentified piano recital. Tonight's page turner, Ruth Spelke, studied under Ivan Schmertnick at the Boris Nitsky School of Page Turning in Philadelphia. She has been turning pages here and abroad for many years for some of the world's leading pianists. In 1988, Ms. Spelke won the Wilson Page Turning Scholarship, which sent her to Israel to study page turning from left to right. She is winner of the 1984 Rimsky Korsakov Flight of the Bumblebee Prestissimo Medal, having turned 47 pages in an unprecedented 32 seconds. She was also a 1983 silver medalist at the Klutz Musical Page Pickup Competition: contestants retrieve and rearrange a musical score dropped from a Yamaha. Ms. Spelke excelled in "grace, swiftness, and especially poise." For techniques, Ms. Spelke performs both the finger-licking and the bent-page corner methods. She works from a standard left bench position, and is the originator of the dipped-elbow page snatch, a style used to avoid obscuring the pianist's view of the music. She is page turner in residence in Fairfield Iowa, where she occupies the coveted Alfred Hitchcock Chair at the Fairfield Page Turning Institute. Ms. Spelke is married, and has a nice house on a lake. -Orchestra Personnel Standards- Conductor: Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God. Concertmaster: Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water if sea is calm. Talks with God. Oboist: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine. Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks with God if special request is approved. Trumpet Player: Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug-of-war with locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God. Bassoonist: Makes marks high on wall when trying to clear short buildings. Is run over by locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog-paddles. Talks to animals. Second Violinist: Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotives two times out of three. Is not issued any ammunition. Can stay afloat with a life jacket. Talks to walls, argues with self. Manager: Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings. Says "Look at the choo-choo." Wets self with water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Loses arguments with self. Horn Player: Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a single glance. Is God. ~~The Sideman's By-Laws (A Guide to the Outside)~~ 1. Never recommend anyone who plays better than you. 2. Always suck up. (Leaders, bartenders, bride and/or groom, management, etc.) 3. If you don't know it, play harmony. 4. Double book, then choose. 5. Always assume the leader knows nothing. 6. Always degrade types of music you can't play or know nothing about. 7. Always bring your own business cards and solicit during breaks. 8. Never play requests (especially if you know it). 9. Never smile. 10. Always complain. 11. Save all high notes for warming up and after engagement. 12. Never show up sooner than 30 seconds before an engagement. (One minute if you have equipment to set up.) 13. Never leave a book in order. Whenever possible, write on music in ink. 14. Always play Trane or Parker licks during fox trots, tangos, waltzes, or anything in D minor. 15. Always open spit valves over music. 16. If the leader is not sure of a tune, always use substitute changes over his vocals or solos. 17. Always worship dead jazz greats. 18. Be negative about anything connected with the job. 19. Always bring drinks back to the band stand. 20. When a break is over, always disappear. If this is not possible, make a phone call. 21. If you're backing up an act, talk when not playing. If it's a comic, don't laugh. 22. Always bum a ride. 23. Always wait until someone else is buying before you get thirsty. 24. Never bring your own cigarettes to an engagement. 25. Avoid tipping at all cost (waitresses, coat room, valet, etc.). 26. Always ask, "When does the band eat", or "Where's our table"? 27. Remember, it's not your gig. Mingle with guests and enjoy yourself. ~BLUES RULES:~ 1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning." 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. I got a good woman, with the meanest dog in town. 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 500 pounds. 4. The blues are not about limitless choice, convertible debentures, golden parachutes, BMWs, opera, or environmental impact statements. 5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. 6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Austin and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: a. violet b. beige c. mauve d. taupe 9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall - the lighting is wrong. 10A. Good places for the Blues: a. the highway b. the jailhouse c. an empty bed 10B. Bad places: a. Ashrams b. Gallery openings c. Weekend in the Hamptons d. Trump Plaza 11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man. Yes, if: a. your first name is a southern state -- like Georgia b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis (see exception below) d. your woman can't be satisfied. 12B. No, if: a. you were once blind but now can see. b. you have a trust fund. c. you hold elected office. d. your woman CAN be satisfied. 13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues. 14A. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. Irish whiskey c. muddy water 14B. Blues beverages are NOT: a. Any mixed drink b. Any wine Kosher for Passover c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors) 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. Other blues ways to die include: a. the electric chair b. substance abuse c. being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is NOT a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment. 16A. Some Blues names for Women a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie 16B. Some Blues Names for Men a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Lightning Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 16C. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit) a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic) b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi) c. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Anorexic Willie, or Cripple Chirimoya. [Personally, I dig "Asthmatic Kiwi Fillmore" given the above choices...] SONG WRITERS ADHERING TO THESE RULES WILL BE AUTHENTIC BLUES WRITERS ! ~ News Release ~ CLARKSDALE, MS--Ida Mae Dobbs,longtime woman of Willie "Skipbone" Jackson, called a press conference Tuesday to respond to charges levied against her by the legendary Delta blues singer. "Despite what Mr. Jackson would have you believe, I am not an evil-hearted woman who will not let him be," Dobbs told reporters. "I repeat: I am not an evil-hearted woman who will not let him be. To the contrary, my lovin' is so sweet, it tastes just like the apple off the tree." Dobbs, accused of causing Jackson pain and breaking his heart by calling out another man's name, categorically denied treating him in a low-down manner. "He says he sends for his baby, but I don't come around," Dobbs, a brownskin woman, said. "He says he sends for his baby, but I don't come around. Well, the truth is, I do come, but he is out messing with every gal in town." During the press conference, Dobbs also disputed an Aug. 27 statement made by Jackson, who compared her to a dresser because someone is always going through her drawers. your wallet, lunch, boyfriend, or wife or all the above given half a chance or no chance at all. They have nothing to live for and aren't afraid of ruining your life. The pressure is high for them. If they miss a note, they get fired. If they don't miss a note, they rub your nose in it and it doesn't smell so sweet. The kind-hearted folks who play the tuba are good-looking and smart. They'd give you the shirt off their back. The tuba is one of the most interesting to take in the bath with you. It's a crying shame that there's only one per orchestra. Would that it could be different. And finally -- the percussion. These standoffish fools who get paid perfectly good money for blowing whistles and hitting things that don't deserve the considerable space they are allotted on the stage. Aside from the strange coincidence that all percussionists hail from the Deep South, another little known, but rather revealing fact, is there are no written percussion parts in the standard orchestral repertory. Percussion players do have music stands and they do use them -- to look at girlie magazines. Percussionists play whatever and whenever they damn well feel like it and it's always too loud! The ones with a spark of decency and intelligence play timpani, or kettle drums. Most percussionists are deaf, but those who play kettle drums pretend to tune their instruments for the sake of the ignorant and easily duped conductor. The guy with the short nose who plays the cymbals is no Einstein, but he's also one of the best guys to share a room with on tour. Cymbal players don't practice -- I guess they figure it's bad enough to have to listen to those things at the concert. Percussionists pretend to have lots of kids whose toys can be seen quite often shaken, dropped, or manhandled to great effect. Whole percussion sections can be seen and now and then on various forms of public transportation, where they practice getting up and down as a group. This represents the only significant challenge to a percussionist. And that just about does it. I trust that this little tour has enlightened you just a little bit to the mysterious inner world of the symphony orchestra. This world, one which is marked by the terrible strain of simple day-to-day survival, is indeed not an easy one. Perhaps now you will be a bit more understanding of the difficulties which face a modern-day concert artist. And so the next time you find yourself at the symphony, take a moment to look deeply into the faces of the performers on the stage and imagine how much more difficult their lives are than yours. This is surely what's on their minds ... if anything. ~Great Lies of The Music Business~ The booking is definite Your check's in the mail We can fix it in the mix This is the best dope you've ever had The show starts at 8 My agent will take care of it I'm sure it will work Your tickets are at the door It sounds in tune to me Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall I know your mic is on I checked it myself The roadie took care of it She'll be backstage after the show Yes, the spotlight was on you during your solo The stage mix sounds just like the program mix It's the hottest pickup I could get The club will provide the PA and lights I really love the band We'll have it ready by tonight We'll have lunch sometime If it breaks, we'll fix it for free We'll let you know I had nothing to do with your marriage breaking up. The place was packed We'll have you back next week Don't worry, you'll be the headliner It's on the truck My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album Someone will be there early to let you in I've only been playing for a year I've been playing for 20 years We'll have flyers printed tomorrow I'm with the band The band drinks free You'll get your cut tonight We'll supply someone for the door You'll have no problem fitting that bass cabinet in the trunk of your car There'll be lots of roadies when you get there It's totally compatible with your current program You'll have plenty of time for a soundcheck This is one of Jimi's old Strats We'll definitely come to the gig You can depend on me What do you call a good flute section? Impossible What do you get when you cross a piccolo with a clarinet? An earache How do you know there's a flute player at your door? You don't. They can't find the right key and don't know when to make the entrance. Definition of a flute, according to David W. Barber in his book A Musician's Dictionary: "A sophisticated pea-shooter with a range up to five hundred hards and deadly accuracy in close quarters. Blown transversely to confuse the enemy, it can be dismantled into three small pieces, for easy concealment." ~Things For Flautists to Do When They're Bored:~ 1.Pull out or push in so much that you're either a half step sharp or flat. Then tell everyone you invented a new key of the flute. 2.If you have an open hole flute, play only covering the holes half way. 3.Finger really low C and try to get the altissimo (the really high) C out. 4.Try to figure out a trill fingering for the really high C to the really high D, on a piccolo. 5.Blow through your flute with all the holes closed and pretend you're Darth Vadar 6.If you're 1st Chair, start talking in German or Russian and kick everyone out of the section. 7.If you're not 1st Chair, make a list of atrocities and a declaration of independance, rally support from other flautists, and attempt a hostile takeover of your section. 8.Listen to a recording of a professional flautist and search for a small mistake. Then make a 90 min. tape of just that mistake, over and over again. 9.Also if you're 1st Chair, come into a song 3 measures early and laugh at the people who follow you. 10.Count your rests out loud while performing a solo. 11.When someone calls you a flutist, correct them and say you are a "flautist". Then when they call you a flautist, say the correct term is "flutist". Keep this up with the same person for a year. 12.Finger low D on a piccolo, cover the hole with your pinkie, then suck all the air out. Take all your fingers off except your pinkie....the keys stay down! (Well, now you're stuck with a piccolo attached to your tongue--press the Ab key to open the vacuum) 13.Play your flute into a box fan. 14.Find the most beautiful song you can, and add three flats (or remove 3 sharps) * Let There Be Bass * In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ... definitely pre-C.B.S. And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass. And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst', and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork. Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good. And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens. And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!" Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.) And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts." And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled. Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man. And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of." "And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer." "You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass." "And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night." "And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink." And it was so. Why is the Horn called the divine instrument? Because man blows in but only God knows what's coming out! What is the difference between a Horn section and a '57 Chevy? You can tune a '57 Chevy. What do you get when you cross a Horn player and a goalpost? A goalpost that can't march. How many Horn players does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks. A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?" "Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all." The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!" The next night she went out with a Horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!" What is a difference between a conductor and a horn player? TWO MEASURES ! A Hornplayer is fishing. Suddenly he catches a Fish! But the fish says to the hornplayer: "If you let me go, I will tell you two important things about your future, I have good news and I have bad news for you." "That's a deal", the horn-player says. "Well, the good news is, when you are going to die, you will play 2nd horn in heaven, next to Buyanovski!" "Woooooow!!" the hornplayer screams, "that's great!" "Yeah," the fish says, "but the bad news is that you will have to start tomorrow!" Q: How many IATSE members does it take to change a light bulb? A: Eight... you got a problem with that!?! Q: What's the difference between a soundman and God? A: God doesn't think he's a soundman. Q. What is the difference between Kenny G and a Gatling Gun? A. A Gatling Gun stops repeating itself after 1,000 rounds. Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public: Violinist: 25 feet Bad Violinist: 50 feet Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet 15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet Accordionist: 60 miles Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?" It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks. Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it." Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician. Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both. A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance." "Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour."-- Rossini "Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds."-- Mark Twain "A critic is like a eunich: he knows exactly how it ought to be done." "The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two. Q: What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord? A: A demented chord. Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb? A: ...hmm...I don't know...what do you think? Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet. Maestro (to Horns): "Give us the F in tune!" Violist (to Maestro): "Please can we have the F-in' tune too?" When asked by the Pope (I forget which one) what the Catholic Church could do for music, Igor Stravinsky is reputed to have answered without hesitation: "Give us back castrati!" Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block." Q: How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb? A: "One, two, three, one, two, three..." A: "Hey man, I just do sound." A: One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band. Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out. Q: How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead. Q: Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz? A: Start with two million. Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul artist? A: Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers. Q: Why do deadheads swirl their arms when they dance? A: To keep the music out of their eyes. Q: What do you get when you cross a music critic with a bowling ball? A: A bowling ball that wouldn't know a good performance if it heard one. Q - What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins? A - A pair of Re-Bachs. ~Proposed Country-Western song titles:~ "I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win" "My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart" "I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well" "I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better" "Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure" "I Wish I Were in Dixie Tonight, But She's Out of Town" "You May Put Me In Prison, But You Can't Keep My Face From Breakin' Out" ~Musical Horoscopes~ Flutes: If you are a flute player then you're probably smart, strong, out-going, and have a lot of friends. But you might want to watch out for low brass players because some of them may not enjoy your high pitched melodies. Compatibility: Trumpets, clarinets and saxophone players are OK, but stay clear from tuba players. Clarinet: If you play the clarinet then you're most likely to be strong, and strong-willed, skilled and talented, smart, and of course, romantic. The future is always in your past and the past is always in your future. As the same for flute players, watch out for the low brass section. Compatibility: Flutes, trumpet and French horn players are advised. Oboe: If the oboe is your skill then you are smart, very talented, well rounded, cunning, dexterous, and clever. Beware of clarinets though, because its just genetic for them to dislike you. Compatibility: Flutes, French horns, and trumpet players are all right, but steer clear from clarinets. Bassoon: If you play the bassoon, then congratulations, you could probably get a scholarship where-ever you want. The "requirements" of a bassoon player is being smart, flexible durability, expressive, affected, and pulchritude. Your biggest concern is the trombones, because when you are not there, they have to play your cues. Compatibility: Clarinets, oboes, French horns, trumpets are OK, but reflect the trombones. Bass Clarinet: If you play this instrument then you are smart, fun, outgoing, "wild", open-minded, and talented. You really don't have any concerns to think about, so have fun! Compatibility: Whatever you choose. Saxophone: Saxophone players can vary. You can get all different shapes and sizes of saxophones that it's not even funny! Basically, what all saxophone players have in common is they're all gifted. But beware of trumpet players for their music is not always as cool as yours. Compatibility: Clarinets, other saxophones, French horns, trombones, and baritones are OK, trumpets are a no, no. Trumpet: If the trumpet is your name then flying is your game. Your music can be hard work, but let yourself soar, because intelligence is your strong point and slaking is your weak. I suggest keeping your eye out for everyone because the trumpet position is a well desired spotlight. Compatibility: Flutes, clarinets, oboes, bassoons and bass clarinets are A-OK! But saxophones are your nightmare. French horn: Playing the French horn can be demanding work, but your quiet personality can overcome. Whether its blowing through the mellophone, or triple tonguing your concert solo........ French horns........ our hats off to you. Like the bass clarinets, you have no enemies, so smile, and I hope that made your day. Compatibility: Who wouldn't love ya?! Trombones: Well trombones. I must say you are very determined people. You should hold your head with pride because the trombone is a tricky instrument to master, and if you've played on into high school then you are truly gifted. But I would advise you not to strut too much because the bassoon is not on your side. And another thing, you are most likely not compatible with fellow low brass players, so don't even try. Compatibility: Saxophones, bass clarinets, and of course, French horns. Baritones: If you play the baritone then you are most likely strong, smart, out-going, open-minded and misunderstood. Unfortunately the baritone is the only brass instrument that is not included in a orchestra. For that we're sorry, the baritone has earned its right there. Your enemy is most likely the trombones, they just don't know it. Keep your senses keen! Compatibility: Like the trombones, stay away from other low brass. But! Bass clarinets, French horns and saxophones are OK. Tubas: If you play this "umpa, umpa" then you are most likely to be like the bass clarinets. Out-going, "wild" and open minded. Congratulations, you've strived to be different in this world. Not only that but if you play this monstrosity of a horn then you are probably in good shape. As far as your enemies I would say it would be the entire woodwind section, because it is your mission and goal in life to over play them in band. But of course the bass clarinets and saxophones love you because you share the same mission. Compatibility: Well since the low brass isn't advised and the wood winds hate you, all that is left is, saxophones, bass clarinets, French horns, and the trumpets, or percussionist. Percussionist: Well what kind I say about percussionist? Heck they are basically from their own planet. Their smart, talented, and well skilled in the art of playing with sticks. The only real enemy of the percussion is the Band Director, so watch your step. And if you happen to be the Band Director's child, then I'm sorry, I can't help you there, I'm only a web page provider. :) Compatibility: Who knows? A senile old man started walking through town everyday in hopes of seeing interesting new things... On the first day, he saw a restaurant offering elephant ear sandwiches. He said to himself, "That's interesting. I'll go back home now." The next day, he walked along and suddenly found a dog that swallowed a cow in one gulp. "That's enough for today", he said. The very next day, he heard strangely melodic, low pitched music. He slowly walked around the corner and found a tenor sax player practicing. He said to himself, "okay Harold, you need to go home now. Too much excitement has you hallucinating!" Why can't you hear a soprano on a digital recording? Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated. What does a lawsuit and a saxophone have in common? Everyone is happy when the case is closed. You've been playing the saxophone for too long if ... you can name the different types of saxophones all 18 of them in ascending order of size you start calling it your baby you start giving it a name and a last name and a middle name and a baptismal name you know its birthday as well as the time it was "born" and celebrate that with a countdown and party you can actually breath in and out at the same time your favourite artistes are Kenny G, Lisa Simpson, that Muppets dude and the Pink Panther Why can't sax players play punk music? Ever tried to play sax with a pierced lip? A saxophonist comes home late from a gig... Too tired to carry her sax upstairs, she decides to leave it in the car for the night. When she wakes up she heads to her car only to see the back window smashed in. When she looks inside she sees two saxes. What's the last thing a saxophonist says in a band? "Hey guys, wanna try one of my songs?" A man has been trapped on an island for several years when he sees a small wake in the water. After a time, a lovely lady scubadiver rises from the surf. She walks to the man and exclaims, " You must be miserable, how long has it been since you have had a great smoke?" While the deranged man stammered for an answer, the lovely lady unzips the side pocket on her sleeve, and produces a Cuban cigar. She gazes into the now-smoking man's face and whispers, "and how long has it been since you have had a real drink"? Again the man stammers as she unzips her other sleeve to produce a flask of ancient Brandy. As she teasingly unzips the main zipper to her wetsuit, she asks, "And how long has it been since you have known real pleasure?" The man scrambles to his feet and yells "Oh my gosh, you don't really have a SAXOPHONE in there do ya?" Why do sax players wear their neckstraps around? So they can get disability discounts. What do a saxophone and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat. One day Timmy came home from school very excited... "Mommy, Mommy, guess what? Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up around 'P'!" His mother said, "Very good, dear. That's because you're a bari player." The next day, Timmy was even more excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!" "Very good, dear," his mother replied. "That's because you're a bari player." On the third day, Timmy was beside himself. "Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I'm the tallest one in my class! Is that because I'm a bari player?" "No dear," she said. "That's because you're 27 years old." Why did Adolph Sax invent the saxophone? He hated mankind but couldn´t build a atom-bomb. The reason why so many weird noises comes out of the business end of saxophones is that Mr Sax never issued any instructions on how to use them. Contrary to popular belief the saxophones are percussion-instruments and meant to be beaten by hammers. Large hammers. When should a saxophonist change his reed? Whenever a difficult section comes up in the music score. How do you put down a tenor saxophone? Confuse it with a bass clarinet. ~FIFTY YEARS IN THE FUTURE: ~ A guitarist dies and is quite please to find that he ends up standing before the pearly gates of Guitar Heaven. St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour. "This is Stevie Ray's room here..." says Peter, and the guitarist is saying "Wow! Stevie Ray!" "And this is Jimi's room..." and the guitarist is totally over the moon. Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, "I have to ask. Is Yngwie here?" Peter shakes his head sadly and says "I'm afraid he went... the "other" way..." The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He is woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing a really fast harmonic minor lick - and it sounds just like Yngwie. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room is playing really fast neo-classical shreds through what sounds very much like a vintage Strat. The guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Yngwie. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Yngwie's in the next room. Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, "Shhh.... don't tell anyone. That's God. He thinks he's Yngwie Malmsteen" Q - What do a cup of coffee and Eric Clapton have in common? A - They both suck without Cream Q - What's the difference between a guitarist and a mutual fund? A - One matures. Q - What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend? A - Homeless. Q - How does a guitar player change a light bulb? A - He lies on the bed so that the room is spinning around it. Q - How does a guitar player show up for practice? A - Drunk and late......... as usual Q - What's the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish? A - You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish. Q - What is the definition of a minor second? A - Two lead guitarists playing in unision. Q - How do you make a guitarist play quieter? A - Put a sheet of music in front of him. Q - How do you make him stop? A - Put notes on it. Q - How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb? A - Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say "Not bad, but I could've done better." Q - What do you throw a drowning guitarist ? A - His amplifier. Q - What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? A - Counterpoint. Q - What did the guitar say to the guitarist? A - Pick on someone your own size! Q - How do you make a guitarist's eyes light up? A - Shine a flashlight in his ear. Q - What's the range of a Gibson Les Paul? A - Depends on how far you throw it. Q - Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners? A - So the rest of the band can understand them. Q - What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage? A - The garbage gets taken out at least once a week. Q - What's black and blue and laying in a ditch? A - A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes. Q - How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? A - At least 2000: one to change the bulb and 1999 to insist how much better they could've done it! Late one day a local pub saw six guys walk in, obviously in pairs of two, sit down and order their favorite after-work drinks. The first two to seat themselves and be served by the bartender were two guys working at a major university whose I.Q.s were so high they could hardly be measured! They began discussing from Quantum Mechanics to the fine points of Particle Physics, either one as brilliantly as the other. The bartender then went over to the next pair who were "regular guys" with ordinary jobs, withaverage I.Q.s, schmoozing about how hard it was today to keep up with bill payments, how hightaxes were, how corrupt politicians were and all the day-to-day struggles most everyone has. The last two the bartender served were two very badly educated, ill-mannered dolts with very low I.Q.s that could barely be measured on any I.Q. test. As soon as they'd ordered the bartender overheard one say to the other, "Oh, hey, I meant to ask ya, d'you use flatwound or roundwound on your bass?" SNAPPY ANSWERS Snappy answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, & he opened his trench coat & flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." Snappy Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." Snappy Answer #3 The cop got out of his car & the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. Snappy Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him & he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car & walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips & says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge & ran out of gas." And finally #5, THE TEACHER - Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand & asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete & utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter & snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, & sweetly says, "Well, guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING? A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. Butterflies taste with their feet. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand; lollipop" with your right. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are more chickens than people in the world. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself. ....................now you know everything! Useless Knowledge Insulin was discovered in 1922 by Sir Frederick Banting and Dr. Charles Best. Jergens Lotion was created in 1880 by Andrew Jergens, a former lumberjack. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during World War 2. Laser stands for "Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation" and was developed in the 1950s and 1960s. Levi Strauss blue jeans with copper rivets were priced at $13.50 per dozen in 1874. Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of linen. Most american car horns honk in the key of F. Most lipstick contains fish scales. All food products are allowed to have a small amount of impurities. Large quantities of cereal for instance can contain dust or dead bugs. Penicillin was first produced synthetically in a laboratory in 1946. The very first personal computer, the Apple II, went on sale in 1977. The Baby Ruth cnady bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth. The Butterfinger candy bar was first produced by Chicago's Curtiss Candy Co. in 1923. As an advertising gimmick, candy bars were dropped from an airplane on cities in 40 states. The first brand of Wrigley's chewing gum was called Vassar, named after new New England woman's college. Next were Lotta and Sweet Sicteen Orange. In 1915, Wrigley promoted their new spearmint-flavored chewing gum by mailing 4 sample sticks to each of the 1.5 million names listed in the US telephone books. The condom was invented in the early 1500s, and was originally made of linen. The electric chair was invented by Dr. Alphonse Rockwell, and was first used on William Kemmler on August 6, 1890. The very first Corvette rolled off the Chevrolet assembly line in Flint, MI in 1953. It sold for $3,250. The first credit card, issued in 1950, was Diner's Club. Frank X. McNamara started the company with 200 card holders. Today there are 2 credit cards for every person in the United States. The first seeing eye dog was presented to a blind person on April 25, 1938. The first suburban shopping mall was opened in 1922 by National Department Stores in Saint Louis. The very first US consumer product sold in the Soviet Union was Pepsi Cola. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. VHS stands for Video Home System. Two out of three car buyers pay the sticker price without arguing. Townsend SPeakman of Philadelphia mixed fruit flavor with soda water in 1807, creating the very first flavored soda pop. He called it Nephite Julep Strange But True A single share of Coca-Cola stock, purchased in 1919, when the company went public, would have been worth $92,500 in 1997. Americans consume 42 tons of Aspirin per day. Americans spend more than $5 billion a year on cosmetics, toiletries, beauty parlors and barber shops. Bayer was advertising cough medicine containing Heroin in 1898. Carbonated soda water was invented in 1767 by Joseph Priestley, the discoverer of oxygen. Cheerios cereal was originally called Cheerioats. Chewing gum was patented in 1869 by William Semple. Coca-Cola was so named back in 1885 for its two medicinal ingredients: extract of coca leaves and kola nuts. As for how much cocaine was originally in the formula, it's hard to know. Cocaine used to be sold to cure sore throat, neuralgia, nervousness, headache, colds and sleeplessness in the 1880s. During the Prohibition, at least 1565 Americans died from drinking bad liquor, hundreds were blinded, and many were killed in bootlegger wars. Federal agents and the Coast Guard made 75,000 arrests per year. False eyelashes were invented by film director D.W. Griffith while he was making the 1916 epic, "Intolerance." He wanted actress Seena Owen to have lashes that brushed her cheeks. For two years, during the 1970s, Mattel marketed a doll called "Growing Up Skipper". Her breasts grew when her arm was turned. Gatorade was named for the University of Florida Gators, where it was first developed. Hershey's Kisses are called that, because the machine that makes them looks like its kissing the conveyor belt. The ball-point pen was invented by two hungarian brothers: Georgo and Lazlo Biro. If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom, over and over again. In 1965, LBJ enacted a law requiring cigarette manufacturers to put health warnings on their packages. In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting out advertising space on his cows. In 4000 BC Egypt, men and women wore glitter eye shadow made from the crushed shells of beetles. Men and women walked around topless, and marriages between brothers and sisters were not uncommon in the Royal families. Cleopatra was married to her older brother, until he drowned in the Nile. Then she married her 11-year-old younger brother. In the 1700s, European women achieved a pale complexion by eating "Arsenic Complexion Wafers", which contained the actual poison. Weird History Next time you're washing your hands and the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s. Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children -- last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." Houses had thatched roofs -- thick straw -- piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof -- hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway, hence, a "thresh hold." In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite awhile. Hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat." Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale bread which was so old and hard that they could be used for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth." Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust." Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake." England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer." And that's the truth. . . (who ever said that History was boring)? Musicians Helper,music business,guitar tab,music download,mp3 download,guitar chord,book music,musician friend,guitar solos,music,sheet music,musical instruments,play guitar,song lyric,songwriting,rock music,free stuff 2500 AVAILABLE SLOTS FOR YOUR BAND! Atlanta, Boston, Buffalo, Chicago, Cincinnati, Cleveland,Detroit, Indianapolis, Memphis, Milwaukee, Montreal,Nashville, Orlando, Ottawa, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh,Quebec City, St. Louis, Tampa, Toronto, Washington DC When I'm dealing with people, I'd like them to have one toe on the ground". "Always tell the truth, even if it is a lie". "Just cause you discovered this, don't think you invented it". Bill Britto Musicians Helper LLC, The Helper for Musicians,All Your Needs from A-Z!!!	"On Drums" Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy because of the many jokes about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren't really musicians. Pianists are particularly successful at making drummers feel bad. Most drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you decide to talk to the drummer during a break, always be careful not to sneak up on him. "On saxophone" Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage. Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all the Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of Coltrane and Bird. They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak half way through and then just don't stop. They practice quietly but audibly while other people are trying to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with their instruments, forget to shower, and are mangy. If you talk to a saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds. "On trumpet" Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger. They are often former college linebackers. Trumpet players are very attractive to women, despite the strange indentation on their lips. Many of them sing; misguided critics then compare them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker depending whether they're black or white. Arrive at the session early, and you may get to witness the special trumpet game. The rules are: play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is the one who plays loudest and highest. If you talk to a trumpet player during a break, he might confess that his favorite player is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high trumpeting. "On guitar" Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they want to be rock stars, but they're old and overweight. In protest, they wear their hair long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud. Guitarists hate piano players because they can hit ten notes at once, but guitarists make up for it by playing as fast as they can. The more a guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp. Then the drummer starts to play harder, and the trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the saxophonist's universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist struggles to suppress a laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during the break he'll ask intimate questions about your 14-year-old sister. "On Vocalist" Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They are placed in sessions to test musicians' capacity for suffering. They are not of the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously. Example: A young woman is playing minor roles in college musical theater. One day, a misguided campus newspaper critic describes her singing as "...jazzy." Voila! A star is born! Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine," "Summertime," and "Route 66." Her training complete, she embarks on a campaign of musical terrorism. Musicians flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the full fury of the jazz universe. The vocalist will try to seduce you--and the rest of the audience--by making eye contact, acknowledging your presence, even talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, make your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will avoid you during their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a vocalist during a break, she will introduce you to her "manager." "On trombone" The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality. "Listen," it seems to say in the male tenor range, "Why won't anybody hire me for a gig?" Trombonists like to play fast, because their notes become indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism. Most trombonists played trumpet in their early years, then decided they didn't want to walk around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate trumpet players, who somehow get all the women despite this disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn faces. They don't eat much. They have to be very friendly, because nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist during a break and he'll ask you for a gig, try to sell you insurance, or offer to mow your lawn. A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance." Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter. The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations." St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!" The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children." "Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?" The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime." "Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?" A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know." A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!" The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!" The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a musician." The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!" Did you hear that Mr. Solfege had a dog? His name was feedo. What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord? A demented chord. How many producers does it take to change a light bulb? ...hmm...I don't know...what do you think? A first violinist, a second violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass player are at the four corners of a football field. At the signal, someone drops a 100 dollar bill in the middle of the field and they run to grab it. Who gets it? The second violinist, because: 1.No first violinist is going anywhere for only 100 dollars. 2.There's no such thing as a virtuoso violist. 3.The bass player hasn't figured out what it's all about. Why did the Philharmonic disband? Excessive sax and violins. Borodin nothing to do!! Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet. Definitions: string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers. detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed. glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs. subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist. risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do. senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back. preparatory beat: a threat made to singers, i.e., sing, or else.... crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly. conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time. clef: something to jump from before the viola solo. transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos. vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch. half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument. coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it. chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds. bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two. ad libitum: a premiere. beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin. cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't. diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes. lamentoso: with handkerchiefs. virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one) music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience. oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good. tenor: two hours before a nooner. diminished fifth: an empty bottle of Jack Daniels. perfect fifth: a full bottle of Jack Daniels. ritard: there's one in every family. relative major: an uncle in the Marine Corps. relative minor: a girlfriend. big band: when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players. pianissimo: "refill this beer bottle". repeat: what you do until they just expel you. treble: women ain't nothin' but. bass: the things you run around in softball. portamento: a foreign country you've always wanted to see. conductor: the man who punches your ticket to Birmingham. arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?" tempo: good choice for a used car. A 440: the highway that runs around Nashville. transpositions: 1.men who wear dresses. 2.An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece cut time: 1.parole. 2.when everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are. order of sharps: what a wimp gets at the bar. passing tone: frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues. middle C: the only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low. perfect pitch: the smooth coating on a freshly paved road. tuba: a compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!" cadenza: 1.that ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes. 2.The heroine in Monteverdi's opera Frottola whole note: what's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year. clef: what you try never to fall off of. bass clef: where you wind up if you do fall off. altos: not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes". minor third: your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling. melodic minor: loretta Lynn's singing dad. 12-tone scale: the thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with. quarter tone: what most standard pickups can haul. sonata: what you get from a bad cold or hay fever. clarinet: name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo. cello: the proper way to answer the phone. bassoon: 1.typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when. 2.a bedpost with a bad case of gas. french horn: your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m. cymbal: what they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with. bossa nova: the car your foreman drives. time signature: what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in. first inversion: grandpa's battle group at Normandy. staccato: how you did all the ceilings in your mobile home. major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!" aeolian mode: how you like Mama's cherry pie. bach chorale: the place behind the barn where you keep the horses. plague: a collective noun, as in "a plague of conductors." audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind. accidentals: wronng notes. augmented fifth: a 36-ounce bottle. broken consort: when someone in the ensemble has to leave to go to the bathroom. cantus firmus: the part you get when you can play only four notes. chansons de geste: dirty songs. clausula: Mrs. Santa Claus. ducita: a lot of mallards. estampie: what they put on letters in Quebec. hocket: the thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett. interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds: 1.Major interval: a long time. 2.Minor interval: a few bars. 3.Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again. intonation: singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages. isorhythmic motet: when half of the ensemble got a different edition from the other half. minnesinger: a boy soprano. musica ficta: when you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again. trotto: an early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge. di lasso: popular with Italian cowboys. supertonic: Schweppes. metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf. allegro: leg fertilizer. transsectional: an alto who moves to the soprano section. Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block." Once there was a violinist who got a gig to play a recital at a mental institution. He played the recital brilliantly, and backstage after the concert, he got a visit from one of the institutionalized patients. "Oh, the concert you played was just lovely. The Paganini caprice was stunning, the counterpoint in the Bach came out so clearly, and the phrasing in your Debussy was just exquisite!", said the patient. "Why, thank you," said the musician (thinking this person seemed pretty normal for a institutionalized person). "Are you by chance a musician?" "Oh yes, I was concertmaster of an orchestra for many years, I've played all of the major concertos: Tchaikowsky, Brahms, Mozart, all the major ones." said the patient. "Wow, that's impressive," said the violinist. "Did you do recitals as well?" "Oh yes, I've done all the major sonatas, Bach, Kreisler, Vieuxtemps, all of the major ones," said the patient. "Wow! Did you ever do chamber music?" asked the violinist. "Oh yes. Duets, trios, quintets, sextets, all the major repertoire," said the patient. Puzzled, the violinist asked "Did you ever play string quartets?" All of the suddenly the patient went berserk and shouted "String quartets!... String quartets!... String quartets!... " Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 under the baton of Milton Katims. Now at this point, you must understand two things: 1.There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page. 2.There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians. It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on thier stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. When they got there, a European nobleman recognized that they were musicians, and bought them several rounds of drinks. Two of the bassists passed out, and the rest of the section, not to mention the nobleman, were rather drunk. Finally, one of them looked at his watch and exclaimed, "Look at the time! We'll be late!" The remaining bassists tried in vain to wake up their section mates, but finally those who were still conscious had to give up and run across the street to the Opera House. While they were on their way in, the bassist who suggested this excursion in the first place said, "I think we'll still have enough time--I anticipated that something like this could happen, so I tied a string around the last pages of the score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other." Sure enough, when they got back to the stage they hadn't missed their entrance, but one look at their conductor's face told them they were still in serious trouble. Katims was furious! After all... It was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, the score was tied, there were two men out, and the Count was full. The following program notes are from an unidentified piano recital. Tonight's page turner, Ruth Spelke, studied under Ivan Schmertnick at the Boris Nitsky School of Page Turning in Philadelphia. She has been turning pages here and abroad for many years for some of the world's leading pianists. In 1988, Ms. Spelke won the Wilson Page Turning Scholarship, which sent her to Israel to study page turning from left to right. She is winner of the 1984 Rimsky Korsakov Flight of the Bumblebee Prestissimo Medal, having turned 47 pages in an unprecedented 32 seconds. She was also a 1983 silver medalist at the Klutz Musical Page Pickup Competition: contestants retrieve and rearrange a musical score dropped from a Yamaha. Ms. Spelke excelled in "grace, swiftness, and especially poise." For techniques, Ms. Spelke performs both the finger-licking and the bent-page corner methods. She works from a standard left bench position, and is the originator of the dipped-elbow page snatch, a style used to avoid obscuring the pianist's view of the music. She is page turner in residence in Fairfield Iowa, where she occupies the coveted Alfred Hitchcock Chair at the Fairfield Page Turning Institute. Ms. Spelke is married, and has a nice house on a lake. -Orchestra Personnel Standards- Conductor: Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God. Concertmaster: Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water if sea is calm. Talks with God. Oboist: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine. Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks with God if special request is approved. Trumpet Player: Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug-of-war with locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God. Bassoonist: Makes marks high on wall when trying to clear short buildings. Is run over by locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog-paddles. Talks to animals. Second Violinist: Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotives two times out of three. Is not issued any ammunition. Can stay afloat with a life jacket. Talks to walls, argues with self. Manager: Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings. Says "Look at the choo-choo." Wets self with water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Loses arguments with self. Horn Player: Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a single glance. Is God. ~~The Sideman's By-Laws (A Guide to the Outside)~~ 1. Never recommend anyone who plays better than you. 2. Always suck up. (Leaders, bartenders, bride and/or groom, management, etc.) 3. If you don't know it, play harmony. 4. Double book, then choose. 5. Always assume the leader knows nothing. 6. Always degrade types of music you can't play or know nothing about. 7. Always bring your own business cards and solicit during breaks. 8. Never play requests (especially if you know it). 9. Never smile. 10. Always complain. 11. Save all high notes for warming up and after engagement. 12. Never show up sooner than 30 seconds before an engagement. (One minute if you have equipment to set up.) 13. Never leave a book in order. Whenever possible, write on music in ink. 14. Always play Trane or Parker licks during fox trots, tangos, waltzes, or anything in D minor. 15. Always open spit valves over music. 16. If the leader is not sure of a tune, always use substitute changes over his vocals or solos. 17. Always worship dead jazz greats. 18. Be negative about anything connected with the job. 19. Always bring drinks back to the band stand. 20. When a break is over, always disappear. If this is not possible, make a phone call. 21. If you're backing up an act, talk when not playing. If it's a comic, don't laugh. 22. Always bum a ride. 23. Always wait until someone else is buying before you get thirsty. 24. Never bring your own cigarettes to an engagement. 25. Avoid tipping at all cost (waitresses, coat room, valet, etc.). 26. Always ask, "When does the band eat", or "Where's our table"? 27. Remember, it's not your gig. Mingle with guests and enjoy yourself. ~BLUES RULES:~ 1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning." 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. I got a good woman, with the meanest dog in town. 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 500 pounds. 4. The blues are not about limitless choice, convertible debentures, golden parachutes, BMWs, opera, or environmental impact statements. 5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. 6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Austin and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: a. violet b. beige c. mauve d. taupe 9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall - the lighting is wrong. 10A. Good places for the Blues: a. the highway b. the jailhouse c. an empty bed 10B. Bad places: a. Ashrams b. Gallery openings c. Weekend in the Hamptons d. Trump Plaza 11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man. Yes, if: a. your first name is a southern state -- like Georgia b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis (see exception below) d. your woman can't be satisfied. 12B. No, if: a. you were once blind but now can see. b. you have a trust fund. c. you hold elected office. d. your woman CAN be satisfied. 13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues. 14A. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. Irish whiskey c. muddy water 14B. Blues beverages are NOT: a. Any mixed drink b. Any wine Kosher for Passover c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors) 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. Other blues ways to die include: a. the electric chair b. substance abuse c. being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is NOT a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment. 16A. Some Blues names for Women a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie 16B. Some Blues Names for Men a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Lightning Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 16C. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit) a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic) b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi) c. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Anorexic Willie, or Cripple Chirimoya. [Personally, I dig "Asthmatic Kiwi Fillmore" given the above choices...] SONG WRITERS ADHERING TO THESE RULES WILL BE AUTHENTIC BLUES WRITERS ! ~ News Release ~ CLARKSDALE, MS--Ida Mae Dobbs,longtime woman of Willie "Skipbone" Jackson, called a press conference Tuesday to respond to charges levied against her by the legendary Delta blues singer. "Despite what Mr. Jackson would have you believe, I am not an evil-hearted woman who will not let him be," Dobbs told reporters. "I repeat: I am not an evil-hearted woman who will not let him be. To the contrary, my lovin' is so sweet, it tastes just like the apple off the tree." Dobbs, accused of causing Jackson pain and breaking his heart by calling out another man's name, categorically denied treating him in a low-down manner. "He says he sends for his baby, but I don't come around," Dobbs, a brownskin woman, said. "He says he sends for his baby, but I don't come around. Well, the truth is, I do come, but he is out messing with every gal in town." During the press conference, Dobbs also disputed an Aug. 27 statement made by Jackson, who compared her to a dresser because someone is always going through her drawers. "My drawers have not been gone through by any man but Willie "Skipbone" Jackson," Dobbs said. "Neither Slim McGee nor Melvin Brown has ever been in my drawers. Nor has Sonny 'Spoonthumb' Perkins, nor any of those other no-good jokers down by the railroad tracks. My policy has always been to keep my drawers closed to everyone but Mr. Jackson, as I am his woman and would never treat him so unkind." In addition to denying Jackson's drawer-opening allegations, Dobbs disputed charges of unrestricted sweet-potato-pie distribution, insisting that her pie is available only to Jackson. "I do not give out my sweet potato pie arbitrarily, as I am not the sort of no-good doney who engages in such objectionable behavior," Dobbs told reporters. "Only one man can taste my sweet potato pie, and I believe I have made it perfectly clear who that man is." Dobbs noted that the same policy applies to her biscuits, which may be buttered only by Jackson. While most of the accusations levied against Dobbs relate to her running around town with other men, she does face one far more serious charge, attempted homicide. On May 5, 1998, Jackson was rushed to the hospital and narrowly escaped death after ingesting nearly five ounces of gasoline. Jackson claimed that Dobbs tried to murder him, serving him a glass of the toxic fuel when he requested water. Dobbs dismissed the episode as "an accident." Dobbs, a short-dress, big-legged woman from Coahoma County, said it is not she but Jackson who should be forced to defend himself. According to Dobbs, Jackson frequently has devilment on his mind, staying up until all hours of the night rolling dice and drinking smokestack lightning. "Six nights out of seven, he goes off and gets his swerve on while I sit at home by myself. Then he comes knocking on my door at 4 a.m., expecting me to rock him until his back no longer has any bone," Dobbs said. "Is that any way for a man to treat his woman? I don't want to, but if he keeps doing me wrong like this, I am going to take my lovin' and give it to another man." Added Dobbs: "Skipbone Jackson is going to be the death of me." Dobbs said that until she receives an apology from Jackson and a full retraction of all accusations, he will not be given any grinding. "Mr. Jackson says that I stay out all night and that I'm not talking right. He says he has rambling on his mind as a result of my treating him so unkind. He says I want every downtown man I meet and says they shouldn't even let me on the street," Dobbs said. "Well, I refuse to allow my name to be dragged through the mud like this any longer. Unless my man puts an end to these unfair attacks on my character, I will neither rock nor roll him to the break of dawn. I am through with his low-down ways." Four cowboys are sitting on a mountain one night having a few cold ones around a campfire, one a tuba player, one a trumpet player, one a conductor and the other a horn player. The tuba player tosses an empty can of Budweiser into the air, whips out his gun, and shoots it declaring "I just killed the king of beers!". The trumpet player, not wanting to be outdone, tosses his empty can of Coors into the air, shoots it and declares "Ha! I just shot the silver bullet!". The horn player, ever so suave, reaches into his pack, pulls out a bottle of Michelob, calmly drinks the whole thing, tosses his bottle into the air and shoots the conductor. Grinning broadly at his fellow players he says "Guys, it just doesn't get any better than this.". What does new age music sound like played backwards? New age music. When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing." Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public: Violinist: 25 feet Bad Violinist: 50 feet Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet 15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet Accordionist: 60 miles At a social club fellowship-cum-meeting in India, a band was invited to play. During the meeting the president announced: "Now there will be a collection for charity. Those who volunteer to donate Rs. 50/- please stand." Not a single one responded, so the president called on the band to play the National Anthem. Everybody stood up & the total collection was Rs. 6000/-. Why don't bass players ever catch a cold? Even a virus has some pride. On a flight recently, a friend of ours decided to start a conversion with his seatmate. "I've got a great Tuba joke," he began. "Would you like to hear it?" "I should let you know first that I am a tubist." Replied his neighbor. That's okay. I'll tell it real slow!" Why would a tuba player get fired from any office job? He's a low character, below the staff, and he spends too much time resting. ~Top Ten Uses For Tubas ~ #10. A musical instrument. # 9. A floatation device. # 8. Something flute players can't keep their hands off. # 7. A mirror. # 6. Punishment. (freshmen + Kieth carry heavy tubas all year) # 5. A battering ram # 4. A chair. # 3. Babe Magnet # 2. Trash Can (freshmen + Kieth's tubas) # 1. Storage Container for music, field show charts, soda, food, tools, towels, and koosh balls!! An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after 84 bars rest. At the point where the tuba should start the solo, nothing happens. So, the conductor stops and asks the tuba player why he didn't play. "I have 84 bars rest," says the tubist. To which the conductor replies, "But we are past those 84 bars already". The tubist: "How should I know that?". The conductor replies, "You can count, can't you?". The tubist: "Do you call that rest?" How do you raise the town's IQ? Shoot the tuba player. How do you tune two tubas? You shoot one! ~ Top Ten Reasons to Play Tuba~ 10. It's better than playing bagpipes. 9. When you play, people listen. 8. During rehearsal you get to sit in the back of the room. 7. During marching practice you can use the bell to block out the sun. 6. People hold doors open for you. 5. You don't have to wear those silly hats. 4. Many girls do prefer guys with large instruments. 3. You can say "Here comes Niagra..." right before emptying your tuning slide. 2. You'll never be blamed for being the one with the squeaky reed. 1. BECAUSE I PLAY TUBA!!!! How do you get a Tuba to sound like a French horn? Stick your hand in the bell and miss all the notes. A guy goes into a bar and gets really drunk. He decides before he leaves that he needed to go to the bathroom, so he asks the bartender where the bathroom is. The bartender says it's down the hall and on the left. The man thanked the bartender and goes down the hall and to the right. When he enters the room he sees a bright shiny gold thing in the corner. The man thinks "This place has really got class what with the gold toilet." So the man does his duty and goes home. The next day he calls up the bar and tells them that he thinks their bar has class because hey have gold toilets. The bartender puts down the receiver and yells, "HEY JOE, I THINK WE JUST FOUND THE GUY WHO CRAPPED IN YOUR TUBA!" A girl is set up on a blind date with a trumpet player. She goes on the date, and later reports to her best friend: The date was alright but when he kissed me it was all tight and horrible, I don't think I'll go out with him again. The next night she dates a tuba player. Again she reports to her friend. She says that this time the kiss was all open mouthed and slobbery, and she wouldn't date him again. The next night she dates a french horn player. Her best friend asked how he kissed and the girl replied "Well, his kiss wasn't any better than the others, but I like the way he held me! Why aren't tubas used in country/western bands? Because they are HEAVY METAL!! A conductor was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor." ~THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR ON A MUSICIAN'S TOUR BUS...~ Shouldn't we go back for the drummer? Oh no you don't! It's my turn to clean the bathroom. Checkmate! Go roll 'em down the aisle all you want. They're only cymbals. So, I just walked her home, kissed her goodnight, and came back to the bus. No, the monitor mix was perfect. I just screwed up. Twenty percent? Our manager should get at least 30 percent!! Why is there porno in the VCR? Can you believe all the money we're getting? Boy, I can't wait till we get to Omaha! No thanks, I don't want another beer. Ladies, I need to see some proof of age please. Time Magazine quotes Milli Vanilli "singer" Rob Pilatus as saying, "musically, we're more talented than any Bob Dylan or Paul McCartney. Mick Jagger can't produce a sound. I'm the new Elvis." (2-27-1990) Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe; as it happens, in Transylvania. They're driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It's late, and raining very hard. Bob can barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??" "I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him." Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty are no more. The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement. He notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: You sure you want to know? O.K. You asked for it...... "Master, Master!... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!" (ouch !!! ...sorry bout that one ...) ~From The Console Operators Union~ Before you ask the Console operators your question(s), please read the common answers to the questions below. 1. We do not take requests or do dedications. 2. Yes we do know what all these knobs do and no we don't have the time to tell you. That also means you can't touch them. 3. Yes we talk to the band and no we can't take notes or messages to them. This does also mean that you can't meet them without the appropriate pass which we don't keep or get. 4. The small console is lighting and the big ones are sound. 5. The sound man is hired to mix the show, please don't tell him how to do his job. He doesn't come to your place of employment and telly ou how to do your job. 6. We don't know where we're going to be tomorrow. Buy the tourbook or t-shirt which contains the tour info. 7. Some people go to school for this job & some don't. We have been in this industry for about 25 years not combined. There are a number of different ways to get into this industry, which we don't have time to go into right now. 8. No, this is not necessarily the coolest job. 9. For any other questions please submit them in written form and we will do our best to reply to them. We thank you for your understanding in dealing with this issue. Thank you & Have a nice evening The Console Operators Union ~The Top 14 Songs on the New 'N Sync CD~ 14 "You're Pretty Mature For Your Age, Aren't You?" 13 "The Next Best Thing To An Actual Boyfriend" 12 "Yo, Girl, Your Butt Don't Look Big to Me" 11 "Baby, Just Wanna Give you a Pony and a Puppy Dog" 10 "A Personal Love Song for You -- Yes, You! We Really Mean It! You Are the One and Only Girl We Really Love, Even Though You're 12 Years-Old and Live in a Trailer Park in Nebraska. Honest!" 9 "I'll Be Waiting For You (On The Other Side of Puberty)" 8 "If You Buy Two, We'll Love You Twice As Much!" 7 "Acne Will Pass, But Love Lasts Forever" 6 "You Should Buy This CD -- Or That Bitch Suzy Will, and She'll Be More Popular Than You" 5 "Nobody Understands You, So Let's Get Freaky!" 4 "Baby, You Can Drive My Car (When You're Old Enough to Get a Learner's Permit)" 3 "Guess Which One of Us Actually *Likes* Girls" 2 "The Backstreet Boys Think You're Homely" and Topfive.com's Number 1 Song on the New 'N Sync CD... 1 "What's Up, A-Cup?" ~Math for Musicians~ 1. Betty is tired of paying for clarinet reeds. If she adopts a policy of playing only on rejected reeds from her colleagues, will she be able to retire on the money she has saved if she invests it in mutual funds (yielding 8.7%) before she is fired from her job? 2. Jethro has been playing the double bass in a symphony orchestra for twelve years, three months, and seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation: (Total days in the orchestra)=x .000976. Assuming that he stopped practicing altogether six months ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the double bass? 3. Wilma plays in the second violin section but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making a negative comment is 4:7 for any given musician, and 16:17 for conductors. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors each year, how many negative comments does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors are also musicians? 4. Horace is the General Manager of a symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four concerts a year. Assuming that at each concert the orchestra plays a minimum of three pieces, what are the chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart, Beethoven, or Brahms in the next ten years? 5. Susan plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays .35 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already .16 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected? 6. Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps without making an inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these passages she has so far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the complete works of Richard Strauss? 7. Ralph loves to drink coffee. Each week he drinks three more cups of coffee than Harold, who drinks exactly one third the amount that the entire brass section consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph going to live? David dies and goes to heaven. St Peter says ' how did things go for you back on earth?' David says, 'not too bad. I left a wife, 3 kids, a pretty good bank balance, no mortgage and my wife will get another 100,000 from the insurance.' 'Great', says St Peter, 'what was it you did while you were alive?' ' Oh I was in Real estate.' 'Good oh, come on in' says the St. Bruce follows David up to the pearly gates and gets the same sort of welcome and questions. 'yes well I left a wife and two kids, a little house in the suburbs, a few dollars in the bank, car's paid for and they should be OK with things. Good oh , come on in. Billy was next in line and gets the questions from the old guy. 'yes well I left my 4th wife, most of my gears in the Cash Converters, cars rooted, never did quite make it to where I really thought I should have been.' 'Oh well', says St P. 'and which band was it that you played with?' Guitarist finishes gig and is the last one in the place with the barman, who asks if he'd like a scotch before he goes home. The player says 'sure' and the barman plonks down a big glass of the juice and a little bowl of peanuts to go with it, then wanders off to wipe down the counter. This leaves the gun guitarist all by himself for a minute. From nowhere a little voice says 'great gig man, you're one hot picker'. The player looks at the barman and says 'thanks' and the barman says 'what for' and the player says 'for sayin' nice things about my work'. the barman says ' I didn't say nothing'. The guitarist thinks it's late and he's a bit spaced so he'd better head off when another little voice says 'yeah great licks man and nice moves too, you sure cut it up there'. The guitar player turns around and says 'thanks' but there's nobody there. The feller at the bar says 'are you ok?' cause the picker looks a bit pale and the guitarist says 'yeah, I think so'. Then, as he empties his glass another voice says 'hot licks, great look, wonderful style man, the chicks sure got off on you' and the bloke says 'OK! THAT'S IT! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?' The barman runs down and says 'what's your problem dude?' to which the guitarist says 'WHERE ARE THOSE VOICES COMING FROM? IS THIS CANDID CAMERA?' 'What voices? What are they saying?' when the guitarist tells the barman what was going on and what was said, the barman says 'oh that'll be the peanuts man, they're complementary!'
	Drop Us A Line...We Have Ears! ©(UCC)2007
	Largest Selection Of Musicians Jokes Online! | Largest Selection Of Musicians Jokes Online! | Largest Selection Of Musicians Jokes Online! | Largest Selection Of Musicians Jokes Online! | Largest Selection Of Musicians Jokes Online! | Musicians Helper Llc | Musician Resources | Music News Feed | Musician Friends | Music Products | Software | Percussion | Clearance Sales | Pro Audio Gear jeffbritto.com provider of musicians,jokes,humor,musician joke
	Musicians Helper Llc | Musician Jokes | Musician Resources | Music News Feed | Musician Friends | Music Products | Software | Percussion | Clearance Sales | Gear Tree jeffbritto.com provider of Musician Friends products,guitar sale,musicians website,electric guitar,